A Bundle of Joy

17 weeks. We find out the gender in two more weeks!

I feel as though my ability to write at all eloquently has been zapped lately. I'm tired. So very tired. And the EMOTIONS you guys! They need to tone it down in a big way, or I'll go crazy.

I promised this post ages ago on Instagram, and then slacked off. Just thinking about writing it made me want to take a nap. But here it goes!

I'm pregnant! With a tiny human! That tiny human's father is this man:

Our relationship rocks. This guy is the kindest soul I could have ever hoped to be with. We get along, talk through our issues, and are always honest with each other, which is a huge help, every day.

Our only "issue" that couldn't seem to be resolved any time soon was that I desperately wanted to have children, and he did not. The idea frightened him and he felt it would just be easier to avoid the whole thing altogether. He always told me that there was a chance he would change his mind, but not to get my hopes up in case it didn't pan out.

Then, surprise! We found out that a baby was happening, ready or not.

Now, let me just insert this here: I am LDS and I adore the gospel with all of my heart. I know it is the truth and I will never say otherwise. I don't love the culture, but that isn't the gospel. They are separate. I believe in a loving Heavenly Father who knows that we are going to slip up. He knows that and just asks that we keep trying to do our best. 

While being married for three years, sex was allowed (not so much enjoyed, but allowed nontheless). I got into that mindset. It wasn't taboo anymore. Then (thank Heavens) I was divorced. Suddenly sex was taboo again, but wrapping my mind around that was more difficult than you think. Especially after meeting someone who treated me the way everyone deserves to be treated! That's the best way I can explain why this happened. Sex was allowed, then it wasn't, and my brain didn't quite compute that. Met a handsome, kind guy, started loving him, and ta-da! Baby on the way!

The Lumberjack was terrified. I was terrified. I warmed up quicker than he did. Wanting to be a mother for so many years helped that along nicely. He was never against it 100%, or cold, just so dang scared. But then we had an ultrasound. The little kidney bean looking baby flipped and wiggled, and something in his heart started to calm. Slowly but surely, his terror started to fade, being replaced by hesitant excitement. And now we are at the point where the hesitancy is fading too, just leaving excitement. We will be getting another ultrasound in two weeks and I'm pretty sure that will seal the deal for him. It's sealed already, I'm pretty sure, but that'll be the final punch. A baby. A little, wiggly, adorable blessing. It's safe to say that we are thrilled.

Now, to the next point. You've probably noticed by now that no, we did not rush out and get married to cover up this slight timeline "error". I don't want to do that. I don't want to hide that yes, we got pregnant before getting married. We did. It happened. After trying for three years with the ex, no baby came. It wasn't meant to be. Now, with this man, my Lumberjack, a baby is coming, and quickly. No schedules or planning or medicine. If anyone tries to tell me that this baby is an accident and not meant to be because "God let's bad things happen too", I'll...well, no threats. I'll just not be very happy with them. This baby is meant to be growing, now, meant to be already changing hearts.

Will we get married? I really do think so. I still have a hard time trusting marriage. In my experience, the one time I tried it, it failed. Not the best track record. But with this bearded man, I think it will work. He thinks we will be together till we are old, and I agree. Thankfully, we are both perfectly happy with that idea. So yes,  I'm pretty sure we will get married, but we will get married when we both are sure it is what we want. When we are both positive, without a doubt, that we cannot live without the other. That time is close, I can feel it. Just give it time. Days? Weeks? Months? No clue. But it'll happen, when it is right for both of our minds and hearts.

I still struggle with sometimes feeling as though I'm "allowed" to be excited. I feel like, since we are doing things in the "wrong" order, I shouldn't be thrilled about this baby. Then I snap out of it. Then it hits again. My emotions (as I mentioned earlier) are wacky right now. I haven't thrown up. I haven't had any truly horrible "side effects" yet, other than the emotional roller coaster I can't seem to get off of. Hopefully it chills out soon.

The Lumberjack spends his time thinking about all the things he'll teach the baby. Fishing, baseball, how to love and appreciate nature. How to pester his or her mother. How to share, and how to be a kind, helpful human being. He can't wait. There's even talk of a treehouse at some point! The best though, is when he looks at me and tells me he has absolutely no worries where I am concerned. He tells me that he thinks our baby will be one of the luckiest alive, because they will have me as a mother. He has all the faith in the world in my parenting abilities, and I am eternally grateful that he is by my side. This will be a new adventure, but we are going to do it together, and I am sure we will love it more than we can even imagine right now.

I think I covered most of what I wanted to. If I realize chunks of my thoughts are missing from this, I'll make a part two. For now though, thank you for reading, thank you for loving me, supporting me, and being fantastic.