Marriage Thoughts

I'm in the middle-ish/end-ish of a divorce. I haven't had too much exposure to divorces, and it's been such a strange, stressful experience so far. Having to accept that we all have free agency has been especially tough. The desire to force my ex to speed up on his end, or to stop the arguing and just finish already has been immense, and sadly, unsatisfied. I can't force him to do what I want. I can't force anyone to do anything, because that's not how it works. But, in reverse, no one can force me to do something, which is a nice thought. I just need to remember that it works both ways, and for that I am grateful. 

People are so kind. They truly are. I don't necessarily love to have them around all the time (I have slightly reclusive tendencies), but so many genuine, loving people have reached out, reassuring me that they are indeed there for me, if/when I need them. That is such a great feeling. You are all rad. I mean it.

I'm going to talk about some personal stuff now. I'm not sure how much detail I'm going to go into, lets just play it by ear and see what happens, cool?

When I first started dating my ex, it began after months of loathing. Maybe loathing is too strong, but I certainly didn't like him. I thought he was a tad too energetic and loud (and by a tad, I mean a ton). Then, suddenly, I wanted someone to kiss, and he was there, ready and willing. So kiss we did. Too much flame with not nearly enough kindling, if that makes any sense at all. We suddenly spent all our time together, but it was mostly physical, not enough talking, sharing feelings, learning about the other persons likes and dislikes. I like painting, and creating things. I'm emotional, and need to be able to express those emotions. Knowing someone is there to receive that random flow of thoughts/emotions/nonsense is helpful. To have someone just...be aware of your crazy brain and heart. It feels good. My ex was more of a business type. He wanted to be powerful. He wanted to rise to the top, as quickly as possible. He was/is ambitious, cunning, and insanely smart. Too smart, possibly. But emotions weren't something to share. They were best bottled up and put away. And art? Art, to him, was a waste of time. We clashed. 

But in that whirlwind of crazy excitement and too many flames, we messed up. Here's where I wont go into detail, but being LDS, I knew what had happened wasn't okay, since we weren't married. In my head, I told myself that if we were going to get married, it wouldn't be such an issue, so my guilt could fade. Once you're married, who cares about the slip ups from before, correct? So he proposed and I said yes, despite family questioning our constant explosions. Fighting is not something I enjoy. Confrontation? No way. Arguing? Please, no. And yet, here I was, in a relationship that was so full of arguing that there was little else. But I kept going along with the wedding plans, because once we were married, I wouldn't have to feel guilty. I could start focusing on how to help this man be less argumentative, and more loving. I had been told by those close to him that he had already noticeably changed since meeting me, so surely it would continue on! 

Wrong wrong wrong. 

I'm not going to go on about that anymore, because it really doesn't matter. What does matter though, is this: please help the young people around you know that marriage doesn't heal mistakes. To get married just because of a slip up is wrong. I don't even necessarily agree with girls getting pregnant and being pressured into marrying the father. Marriage doesn't heal, not with the wrong person. I don't think I'm being very eloquent with this, but it is so important to me that you, whoever you might be, are aware.

Marriage is an absolutely amazing thing, when with the right person. And yes, I'm sure that any number of people out there can be that "right" person, and with good values and mutual respect and attraction, it can be made to work, and work well, but goodness gracious, it can also be horrible, and damaging. To be pressured into something that may possibly damage the soul, and tear down self esteem, that's not something that anyone should deal with, ever. 

We will all make mistakes. We will stumble, we will fall, but we will always be able to stand back up. We are glorious creations of a loving God. He loves us. Pure, never ending love. He knows about our stumbles, and still He loves us. He ultimately wants us to be happy. Being forced by self guilt into making wrong and rash decisions isn't going to make us happy, and it isn't going to make that kind, merciful God happy either. So why go through the motions and end up hurt?

If you stuck with me this long, I thank you. I hope something up there in that mess of words made some sort of sense. Maybe I'll come back and read through and edit later (who am I kidding? I'm not going to do that). But thank you. Thank you for being kind. Thank you for being brave, and for helping others to be brave too. Life is about being there for those around us, no matter who they are, no matter what they've been through. If we all band together to quietly, gently lift up the fallen, there's an excellent chance that someone will be there to quietly, gently lift us too.