Edit: I'm reposting this from my old blog, because I think it's a good post, and eventually I'm going to write a follow up post, talking about having and dealing with these feelings while no longer married. Thanks!
Today I had a wonderful talk with a dear friend about infertility. We both struggle with it, and she absolutely helps build me up whenever I talk to her.
Let me give an example of her immense kindness. She had a baby about ten or eleven months ago, and when she announced her pregnancy, she sent me a special message on Facebook, telling me gently that she hoped she didn't hurt me by making the announcement and letting me know she was there whenever I needed to talk. Amazing right? Who sends sweet messages like that when announcing such a miraculous blessing in ones own life? This friend does, and it touched my heart more than I can explain.
Our talk tonight was filled with ranting and venting about frustrations associated with trying so desperately to have a baby, and how it seems as though, when you are struggling, everyone else around you is getting pregnant with ease. (I know that's not the case, it's just how it seems in the low moments.)
I know that as I work towards becoming a mother, there are lessons I am meant to learn. Lessons I don't necessarily want to learn, but that's not really up to me.
I thought I might share some of the lessons I have seen in my own unique experiences. Lessons that are constantly there, that I am by no means close to mastering. Along with them I will write about things I do to cope, and hopefully become stronger and kinder in my thoughts toward others (because let me tell you, during all of this I do not always have kind thoughts). Sooo here we go! Ready? Me too!
Life isn't a race or competition. I have so often found myself wishing desperately to be pregnant before one of my newly married friends or relatives, or hoping to be pregnant by a certain big event or holiday in the future. It's pretty difficult to set a date to be pregnant by when your body isn't working toward it with you. And even then, what control do you have, really? None. At least for me. The actual amount of control I have in this situation is minuscule, and I need to accept that. Easier said than done.
We aren't here to see how much more we can accomplish than everyone around us. My life isn't the same as yours, and that is true for everyone around us. Our stories are different, so how can they be compared in the way I am attempting to compare them? So what, she had a baby a year after she got married? That is how her life was supposed to go. Not mine. Again, accepting this is easier said than done, but I can tell it will be so helpful once I figure it out.
Taking things one day at a time helps me a lot too. Planning is good, no, great, but some things are too emotionally exhausting. Some days I'm fine, happy and energetic, content with where I am in my life and where things are going. Others, not so much. Others I want to scream, and sob. I want to type mean comments to people on Facebook who annoy me. On those days, I have no desire to think about what is ahead of me, because I know very well this whole process could take much, much longer than it has already, and on my bad days, that thought makes me very, very tired. So, one day at a time. Baby steps, finding joy in little things. Acknowledging the good in my life helps. I live in an amazing house (thanks mom and dad!), I have a crazy but awesome husband, always keeping me on my toes. I have two dogs! Having a dog was always my dream growing up, and now I have two! My job is absolutely perfect for me. I have food to eat every day, and that brings me more joy than it should. Life is truly so good.
In the very recent past I have had a hard time going to church, because if you are at all familiar with LDS married wards in Rexburg (or anywhere else, I would assume, but Rexburg, seriously? What's in your water and why am I immune?) you will know that holy cow, everyone gets married, then BAM! pregnant! Now, when I say 'everybody', I don't mean everybody. It just seems like that to me. Our ward seems to be bursting with pregnant women and babies. I know that this is a very shallow and selfish reason to pout and avoid church, but please don't judge me, because it really is hard. I have, however, found something that helps me. Instead of only paying attention to the pregnant bellies and adorable babies surrounding me in the chapel, I try to notice the women who are sitting with their husbands, no children yet. They look happy. They are at church, smiling and participating. I should try that too. Noticing these women helps my immature and selfish loneliness melt away a little bit, and that, my friend, is progress. Slow and steady wins the race (except life isn't a race so stop thinking about it that way!).
Another lesson I need to learn is to not be offended by things other people say to me, to comfort or inform. Other women complaining about morning sickness or back pain does not mean they are ungrateful, even though my first reaction is to assume just that. I apologize to any woman I have angrily thought this about. It is just such a huge blessing, and I would give absolutely anything to be in your position, vomit and all.
Another lesson I need to learn is to be happy for those couples who successfully get pregnant. What a jealous thing to feel resentful toward them. There is excitement too, but boy is it hiding back there, cowardly behind ill feelings. I haven't figured out how to correct this one yet, but hopefully it will come to me soon, I need it.
I think I'm finished now. Maybe not. It's late and I'm tired, so if I think of anything else, I'll add it in the morning (or afternoon, or evening, or maybe next week). I appreciate the fact that you read this, it really means a lot to me. I hope it all made sense and didn't reveal me to be too horrible a person. I'm mostly writing this for me, so that I can look back on it and gain strength (or a good laugh, either one). Maybe there is someone out there who needed to read this, to know that they aren't alone either. I'm not, and neither are you, dear friend.
Enjoy your life! Take it one day at a time if you must, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
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